A Quick Method to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

“If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are are, you are not going to get very far. “

– Daniel Goleman

What is emotional intelligence?

• Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships. – Travis Bradberry

• Emotional intelligence is the capacity to be aware of, control and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically. – Unknown

You can find many similar definitions of emotional intelligence. I like second because it highlights our ability to interact with others emphatically – to put ourselves in their shoes, to extend grace, and to assume positive intent. 

Why should I care about emotional intelligence?

Great question! Here are some stats:

• Employees are 400% less likely to leave their jobs if they have a high EI manager. 
• People with high EI make an average of $29k more per year. 
• 90% of higher performers have high EI. 
• EI is the greatest determinant of success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships. 

How can I improve my EI?

Think before you speak. 

Victor Frankl famously stated:

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and the power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”

Of course, emotional intelligence wasn’t a term when Frankl wrote that but if it was I’m sure he would have stated that how we choose our response is the key to emotional intelligence. 

As I’ve tried to work on my EI and my general ability to be easier to be around I’ve noticed that my mind still says all sorts of stupid things. The key to success is catching those emotionally unintelligent thoughts before they become words. 

I’ve got a ton of room for growth on this topic. A recent article by Bill Murphy (you can check his work out at www.billmurphyjr.com) gave me a new technique to work on. He calls it parallel vs. convergent responses. 

Here some examples:

• Parallel – “I understand.”
• Convergent – “Help me understand.”

The parallel response assumes you know things you probably don’t. The parallel response is also commonly used to end the conversation as quickly as possible. 

But, the convergent response doesn’t jump to a conclusion. It invites the speaker to tell you more. The convergent response shows your intent to invest in the conversation and the person you are conversing with. 

Things that are parallel never actually meet. Things that converge meet at a common destination. By drawing more information out of the speaker, you are committing to listening until you fully understand the situation. 

If you want a master’s class in convergent conversations watch an Oprah Winfrey or Larry King interview. They rarely assume. They ask direct questions. They draw more information out of the speaker. They speak only as much as needed to keep the conversation going. 

Imagine the difference convergence responses could make in the next conversation you have with your spouse. Guys are born “fixers.” We like things to be efficient and effective. I always jump to my “fix” long before Jill has felt heard. 

Instead of jumping to the fix next time, invest in the relationship by asking someone to “tell me more.” The conversation will take a little longer, but the outcomes will be far better!

I’ll close with this article with a Proverb that I believe perfectly sums up the gist of this article.

“A plan (motive, wise counsel) in the heart of a man is like water in a deep well, but a man of understanding draws it out.” – Proverbs 20:5 (AMP)

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