Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters (book summary)
I listened to this book on audio some time ago. We had four kids in the first five years of our marriage, so I’m sure you understand that time for things like reading is scarce around our house!
Every time I’d go out for a run and listen to this book one of two things would happen. 1 – I would stop in my tracks and almost get sick because of the content, or 2 – I would race back home to tell Jill what I had heard so we would both know and be less likely to forget and let our girls fall prey to what I was learning.
The facts in this book are that disturbing. Did I mention our 4th child is a girl? That will make 3 girls in our house and what is going on in the world out there is downright scary.
The book is written by Dr. Meg Meeker. When she wrote the book she already had 20 years’ experience in pediatric medicine. She and her husband (who also appears to be a physician) have four kids. She is a fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics and a fellow of the National Advisory Board of the Medical Institute. Overall, I’d say she is pretty qualified!
To help you understand the importance of this topic to me, let me tell you about my priorities in life. 1st – I am here to glorify God. When they asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was, He said to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. 2nd – Jesus said that the second greatest commandment was equally important, to love your neighbor as yourself. This one gets tricky. Who are our neighbors? If our neighbors are everyone, how can we prioritize? My first priority after God is my wife. She is my first and best opportunity to show Christ’s love in action. Next are my kids, then we spread out to love our community and the world.
So, my kids are pretty high up my priority list and a huge responsibility and opportunity that God has given me. For a guy, raising girls is so much scarier than raising boys. Maybe because we remember what we were like as teenagers – yikes! So, this book hit me in the right spot. Let’s dive in.
Disclaimer: This summary will not do the book justice. There are too many great stories to be shared. I’ll do my best to peak your interest and then you must buy the book, the audio book or both.
The book’s subtitle is “10 Secrets Every Father Should Know” and the book is broken down into 10 chapters. One for each of the secrets.
Chapter 1 – You Are the Most Important Man in Her Life
I’ve said this before, but scary. I am also the most important man in my wife’s life, but she was able to make a conscious decision to choose me. Not my girls, they are simply stuck with me!
Meg states that in her practice she has seen many young girls doing terribly unhealthy things to see if their fathers will notice. Young girls crave a father’s attention and love.
Dad’s don’t need to change who they are to be great dads. They need to invest in the relationship and understand what the world is telling your daughters through TV, the internet and their friends. Your job is to protect them from the ugliness that is out there and they naturally look to you to do that.
Next, Meg shares some scary statistics. Here are a few:
- What is taught in sex ed. It is ridiculous. Make sure you understand what your school teaches.
- One in five Americans over age twelve tests positive for genital herpes.
- 9% of girls fourteen to seventeen years old experience unwanted sex, primarily because they fear their boyfriends will get angry.
- 5% of high school girls have had sad, hopeless feelings for longer than 2 weeks. Many physicians call this clinical depression.
- 6% of Caucasian, 20.7% of Hispanic and 12.4% of African American females have made suicide plans in the last year.
- 8% of high school students drank alcohol before the age of thirteen.
- 7% of high school students have used some form of cocaine.
- Kids spend 6.5 hours per day watching media of some form.
- Kids with TVs in their bedrooms watch 1.5 hours more TV than kids who do not have TVs in their bedrooms. I’m sure this stat would hold true for smartphones.
Meg goes on to cite numerous statistics about how families can win the war against media through strong relationships with their kids. We can win this fight!
Chapter 2 – She Needs a Hero
Despite whatever outward impression she gives, your daughter’ life is centered on discovering what you like about her and what you want from her. She cannot feel good about herself until she knows you feel good about her. She does not want to see you as her equal. She wants you to be her hero. Someone stronger, steadier and smarter than she is.
The only way you will alienate your daughter is by losing her respect by failing to lead or failing to protect her. If you fail to meet her needs, she will find someone who will. That is where all the trouble can begin.
One of the best things you can do as a father is to raise your daughters’ expectations about life. Let her know that she is God’s masterpiece and that she will do great things in this life.
Deep down, we all want authority and rules in our life. We may instinctively want to buck authority, but when our world starts to fall apart, we run to the person who is that authority in our life.
Meg also suggests putting your expectations for your children in writing, now – while they are young. Teenagers are excellent at tangling your thinking. Write down your rules now. Laminate them, carve then into stone – whatever it takes!
Chapter 3 – You are Her First Love
You are her first love. You have other loves in your life, but she does not. Every man who enters into her life will be compared to you. If you have a good relationship with her and her mom, she will choose boyfriends who will treat her well.
Always be positive. Admire her deep, intrinsic qualities. Always keep the bar high. She will live up to the standards you set.
As she grows older, don’t assume she is capable of making good decisions. Protect her so she is in a safe place to make poor decisions – kids always will make bad decisions. It is how they learn. Enforce curfew. Girls with a curfew know that someone cares and is waiting up for them at home.
Pay attention. Listen closely. It takes time and patience, but it will build bonds that will last a lifetime. Start daddy-daughter times when they are young and stick with it. Teenagers need you more than at any other time in their life!
If you stay with her, look at her and keep listening to her she will always come back for more. She will feel more attractive and rightfully assume that boys that don’t want to be with her have a problem (because you are smarter and wiser than they are). This is a very good thing.
Chapter 4 – Teach Her Humility
“Humility is not thinking less of ourselves, it is thinking of ourselves less.” – C.S. Lewis
“It is not about you.” – the first sentence of The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.
Humility is hard and it must be modeled. It is the starting point for every other virtue. Humility means having a proper perspective on ourselves, of seeing ourselves as we really are. It also means knowing that every person has equal worth. We are all created in God’s image. We are his masterpieces.
Take pride in her accomplishments, but don’t go overboard. Always recognize the accomplishments of her peers as well.
Make sure that she knows that her accomplishments do not define her. Her maker already did that. Trying to define ourselves with accomplishments and stuff is a never ending trap. Give her a firm foundation of who she is in God and it will serve her well forever.
Don’t let the world revolve around her. Show here that we are here to glorify God. Do good for others as a family.
Chapter 5 – Protect Her, Defend Her (and use a shotgun if necessary)
Let her know that she is beautiful. Let her know that modesty is a form of respect – for herself, for you and for what she expects from boys.
There is a solution to the problem of girls having sex too soon and with too many boys. That solution is YOU! Stand guard and never leave your post! Every model for Playboy or similar magazines is someone’s daughter, don’t let it be yours.
Hug her. It is that important to her. Tell her you love her and how precious she is.
Every boy that dates your daughter needs to know he is responsible to you.
Be aware of the mixed messages she will receive about sex from school. Make sure that your message is the final word on the subject.
She might hate you for this in the short term, but she will thank you for protecting her and she will tell you that sooner than you might expect.
Chapter 6 – Pragmatism and Grit: Two of Your Greatest Assets
It’s OK. Even God, the perfect Father, has a lot of kids who behave badly. You are in a select crowd.
Men are pragmatists. They look for solutions – often when our wives and daughters only want to be heard. Don’t negate listening, but your family needs your pragmatism, your realism, your solutions.
Daughters can become only one of two types of women; princesses or pioneer women. Praise the Lord he brought me a pioneer woman to marry. That gives our girls a much greater chance at becoming pioneers themselves.
Princesses believe they deserve a better life and expect others to serve them. Pioneers know that their hard work is how they achieve improvement in their lives. They are in charge of their own happiness.
You must teach your daughter to be a pioneer. The other option is not good and can lead to a host of bad decisions later – like marrying for money and stability.
Grit – Your family needs and deserves your best. As men, we often use up the best of us at work and have little left for home. That is not acceptable. We must get our heads right and game faces on for the job (the most important job) that waits for us when we walk in the door to our homes.
Divorce – It is the central problem that has created a generation of young adults who are at higher risk for chaotic relationships, sexually transmitted diseases and confusion about life’s purpose. Let your children know that divorce is never an option.
Don’t get confused and believe that going to church will keep your family together. Turns out the divorce rate in the church is about equal to that of the non-church going world. You must live out your faith at home and fight to keep your family together.
When your life nears its end your family will be your greatest accomplishment, not any businesses or buildings you may have built.
Chapter 7 – Be the Man You Want Her to Marry
Think about the standards you’d like your daughter’s future husband to meet. Pretty high, right? Do you live up to those same high standards?
It’s tough medicine to swallow, but we likely have higher standards for our daughter’s future husbands than we maintain for ourselves as husbands to their mothers. We’ve got a ton of great excuses. Work is so hard, I have so little time for me, blah, blah…
Are you always patient and kind? Are you an encourager? One day you will be walking her down the aisle to marry a man that will be very much like you. It is the way women are made. They are drawn to what they know.
Show your daughter that your relationship with your family is more important than possessions and expensive vacations. Make the family your priority.
It is a great strength to live knowing that if you lost every material possession, you would still have a life worth living!
Chapter 8 – Teach Her Who God Is
Your daughter thinks you are the strongest, wisest and most intelligent person on the planet. One day you won’t be there. She’ll need to know there is someone greater that she can turn to for guidance, for wisdom.
Let her know that you will disappoint her. You’ll try very hard not to, but you will. You are human, but God won’t disappoint her. He is the only perfect father.
If she doesn’t know that she has God to turn to when trials come, she will find solace in sex, drugs, drinking, etc.
Organized religion gets a bad rap, but it is proven to improve your children’s likelihood of making good decisions when it comes to things like sex, drugs, school and alcohol.
But don’t just be a church goer. Go deeper in your relationship with Christ so she can see where your strength comes from. She can witness you depending on your heavenly father and she will follow in your footsteps.
Chapter 9 – Teach Her to Fight
Women are emotional. This is truer for teenagers. They have emotions and impulses that must be kept in check or bad decisions will be made. As the Dad, you can help her make good decisions and make bad decisions safely through your direction and authority.
You understand how to battle impulses. You’ve won some battles and probably lost plenty. Your daughter does not know how to battle her impulses yet. That is why she needs you to make her life a safe place to learn these hard lessons.
Choose your battles carefully. Never budge on honesty, integrity, courage and humility. You can let a lot of the other stuff go.
Your daughter’s brain and her capacity for rational thought will not be fully developed until her late teens or early twenties. This is when she needs you most. Don’t get her to 16 years old and assume she is fully qualified to make great decisions.
Chapter 10 – Keep Her Connected
You, Dad, are the most important person in your daughter’s life. Keeping your family together and spending time together as a family is what will help your children avoid the traps in life (sex, drugs, alcohol, gangs). It has been proven time after time. Families that stay together have more successful kids.
Give your kids experiences. Hang out with them, have fun and be a great example. Get away from all the screens, get outdoors, have adventures, have conversations.
Conclusion
Wow. As the father of three girls, I am deeply humbled by the awesome responsibility that God has given me to raise these girls. I pray I will be up to the challenge. I pray that more fathers will take up the challenge.
Hopefully, this book will help. Maybe this quick summary will encourage more dads to read the actual book (you really must – it is that good).
To all you Dads, fight the good fight. It will be a battle, but it will be the greatest victory you could ever win!
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